As many of you already know I had a real breakthrough at CBT a few weeks ago. I can honestly say I’ve felt a lot better since then. My mood has greatly improved and I’ve had hardly any panic attacks. Add to that the fact that I haven’t been going over and over Mr A’s day of birth so many times each day I’ve also got a bit energy as well. Hooray!! Moving in the right direction at last.
To help you understand how much better I’m feeling, I’m actually thinking of going to the doctors to get my dosage of anti depressants reduced.
Up until this Eureka moment I had been really dreading Mr A’s first birthday at the beginning of July.
I was terrified at what feelings and emotions it would bring out in me. Would I be able to cope or would this milestones send me spiralling back down to the depth of my depression? I can safely say now that I’m really looking forward to this date. We have a nice day planned as a family and also lots of friends and family around at the weekend to attend Mr A’s joint christening and 1st birthday celebrations.
If you had asked me a month ago if I was excited about this type of social event the answer would have been ‘absolutely not.’ The thought of seeing all of those people would have filled me with dread. Having to pretend to be ok and hold it together for that amount of time would have been exhausting. Not because my friends and family don’t understand, they’ve all been so supportive. The PND has robbed me off any pleasure I used to have in socialising.
Everything seems to have fallen into place in the run up to Mr A’s birthday. A day I was dreading I can now look forward to. This is such a relief. I would have been so upset to look back on such a special time and not remember it with fondness. Another part of this recovery process is writing Mr A’s birth story, so I can draw a line under it and move forward.
My therapist said I needed to be detailed and totally honest. I will therefore be spreading the story over a couple of posts. So here goes……
It started as any other normal Thursday, I dropped Missy B off at nursery and had a list of things ‘to do’ As I walked across the nursery car park I felt a pain in my hips and generally uncomfortable. I put it down to the fact that I’d slept funny and carried on. A quick trip to the garden centre was next on the list as I needed to get a birthday present for Mum. I got the same uncomfortable feeling again as I got out of the car. By the time I walked across the car park to the garden centre doors the pain had gone. I felt a few more niggles and aches as I wandered around but again, I put them down to sleeping awkwardly. Presents purchased I headed home to carry on working through my list of chores. This is when my pains got worse, so I took some paracetamol and hung out a load of washing, still thinking nothing of it.
Next job on the list was some washing up. This is when the pains ramped up a level and I found myself bent over the sink and having to breath through the pain. Even at this point I had no idea these were contractions. How could they be when I wasn’t due for another 6 weeks??
I decided to call my brother and ask him to drive me to nursery to collect Missy B as I was in too much discomfort to drive. His response was ‘don’t you think you should call the midwives?’ ‘Maybe’ was my reply. He asked if I felt ok to drive to him and he’d help me out. The farm is only a 2 minute drive away so off I went.
As soon as he saw me he insisted I called the midwives for advice. Again, I was pacing around and breathing through the pains. I was having a small pain every 10 minutes then a bigger one every 30 minutes. Sat here now writing it down it seems so obvious that something wasn’t right, so why couldn’t I see it at the time? Where was my mother’s intuition? Maybe I was just in denial? But it was about 6 weeks until my due date. I couldn’t be having contractions.
Having spoken to the midwives, they said I should go to the central delivery suite at the RUH in Bath. Arrangements were made for Granny to collect Missy B from nursery. The hubby had been called and updated on the situation. My brother said I should take my hospital bag. Why? I wasn’t having a baby…..
As we both got into the LandRover to drive to hospital there was some calving equipment on the passenger seat. As I went to take it out my brother joked that we should keep it with us incase we needed it later on.
Oh how we laughed……………………….