We enjoy warmth because we have been cold. We appreciate light because we have been in darkness. By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.
I’d like to start this blog instalment by explaining to you all the reason for my lack of blogging recently. Ever since increasing my medication back up to the original dose I have been feeling pretty damn good. The best I’ve felt for a long time actually. This has meant that I have the energy to do lots of other exciting things. One of which has been to get back into the swing of my most loved hobby, Gardening. With the light nights I have had plenty of opportunity to spend time in the evenings working away happily as the sun goes down and the children are peacefully asleep inside.
My garden is my own little sanctuary. It seems to be an on-going project that I honestly cannot see the end of at the moment. But for me it is not about finishing, it is about the peacefulness it brings to my mind at the end of a busy day. I find I can get totally lost in my own thoughts and time can pass by so quickly. I also love how my garden engulfs all my senses. The noises from the birds and bees that buzz around the garden as we work harmoniously. The smells from the gorgeous plants and the soil. The one thing that always strikes me most is the colours. There seems to be something very special about the evening light that makes all the colours in the garden shine so much brighter than they have all day.
As I was saying……. I am mentally in a really stable place at the moment and I find this also has an effect on my ability to write. When I’m feeling low all the emptions are raw and on the surface ready to be picked and placed on the page for all to see. When I’m feeling good, like I am at present, it is much harder to access these emotions let alone put into words how I feel.
One thing that was playing on my mind recently was Mr A’s second birthday. I know this should have been a time of celebration as I am so blessed to have this cheeky little chappy in my life. But I do feel that the events of that day 2 years ago will always be with me. As I’m sure all mothers will recall on the child’s birthday, the events of the day and how they felt. It’s only natural that I should do the same. The day that Mr A arrived into the world is quite honestly the scariest, most traumatic day of my life. But from such a terrifying day came the most incredible little human being that I am proud to call my son. I know we are both so lucky to be here and that the outcome of that day could have been very different. So many parents and families are not as lucky as we were and for that I am truly sorry for them.
So as the festivities crept ever closer I decided not ignore the way I was feeling. I embraced the mixed emotions, allowed myself to feel sadness and joy in whatever way they presented themselves. I ignored any thoughts that I was being selfish or self-indulgent by feeling this way. l tried to give myself some time for quiet reflection away from the hubbub that surrounds a two year old celebrating a birthday……
One thing that PND had taught me is not to be ashamed of my feelings and not to ignore them as they will resurface at some point further down the line and may be harder to deal with then. I will deal with how I feel as and when the feelings arise. You don’t have to be true to anyone other than yourself about the way that you are feeling.
Having post-natal depression has helped me to try and find the positive in every situation. This isn’t always possible when I’m feeling really low, but I hope the more I practice it the easier it will become. It doesn’t always have to be a monumental thing. It can be something as small as going to the loo by yourself or enjoying a whole cup of tea while it was still hot.
So when it feels like you’re surrounded by darkness and negativity have a really good look around, find that positive and fill your mind with that so there is less space for the negativity. It only takes a small flicker of light to take the edge off the darkness.